Well, well, well.Looks like we’ve got ourselves a new Mortal Kombat game announcement coming. Finally, we can learn what Sub-Zero and his frenemy Scorpion have been up to the past couple years. Hanging out. Going shopping. Making inside jokes. It’s hard to make friendships as an adult man. We should support this!
Anyway, it seems like the newMortal Kombatgame is going to be a reboot. If you remember, the previous reboot of Mortal Kombat was just called Mortal Kombat. It wasn’t that long ago. But the new reboot? Sit in your ******* chair, because rumor has it they’re calling this baby Mortal Kombat 1. With the 1 in the title. Like, we’ll actually have to say “Mortal Kombat 1” and all act like it’s not kind of weird. We still haven’t recovered from Microsoft naming their third console “Xbox One.”
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But with a new Mortal Kombat game comes something far more important than titles or tradition: guest characters. Oh, they may not fit! They may not make sense! But when we saw RoboCop inMortal Kombat 11, we all got to point at the screen like Leo DiCaprio. That’s someone we recognize! He was in a movie! We know him! What’s he doing here? RoboCop stuff, probably!
Sorry, my brain went into screensaver mode for a minute and I wasn’t paying attention to what I was typing. The point being, I’m extremely excited to see what guest characters Mortal Kombat 1 (ugh) has in store for us. The past couple games have featured everything from a Xenomorph to a Terminator to Rambo. Rambo was a weird choice for a few reasons, but let’s not get into that.
Instead, let’s get into something better: characters I’d love to see in Mortal Kombat 1 but definitely won’t ever see in Mortal Kombat 1.
Any Street Fighter Characters
Easy one to start. Outside of mods, there’s never going to be a world in which Ryu fights Johnny Cage. This makes sense as they’re very different games in both form and function. However, I like when I see things I know and they’re mixed in with other things I know. I am a child.
Any MultiVersus Characters
Look, Warner Bros. owns both. And from everything I can tell, Warner Bros. doesn’t even really likeMultiVersus. It’s not a bad game. But they’re shutting it down until next year. Let’s get Shaggy into Mortal Kombat like he was intended to be. Actually, nevermind, this one might actually happen. Good for you, Shaggy.
It’s well established that this piece of shit will do anything to make everyone else feel bad. I don’t even have kids and he makes me feel like garbage. He’s a ******* Australian dog who thinks he’s better than me. Well, let’s see if he thinks he’s better against Kung Lao’s hat. Who knows? Maybe he’ll be able to kill you with kindness. Or the power of imagination.
President Gerald Ford
Of all the American Presidents I’d love to see in Mortal Kombat, in the top 45 is President Gerald Ford. Due to his classic policies of whatever he did and his important progress with no ******* clue, he’d be an incredible addition to the cast. I imagine him choking Sektor using a constitution or killing him with a falling Statue of Liberty. Crazy gameplay twist: since Gerald Ford is already dead, you’re able to’t Fatality him.
The Three Village Women Who Really Liked Gaston In Beauty And The Beast
You know how thePokemonTrainer in Smash gets three different Pokemon to fight with? Well, this is sort of like that except every one of those three women have the exact same move set. If they think Gaston is cute and that he’s such a tall, dark handsome brute, wait until they Shao Kahn! Dude could blow Gaston out of the water. As far as fighting moves, I don’t know. **** it. Let’s just say they throw boomerangs. They’re boomerang fighters. That usually works.
Osmosis Jones
Dude, the sheer damage a microscopic fighter could do to someone’s body. Think about it. You want horror? This is real horror. He’d mess you up and you wouldn’t even know until you began bleeding from your eyes and ears. Truly terrible. Truly haunting. Osmosis Jones.
Sid Meier
One of the greatest game designers of our time deserves his chance in the arena. If he can design Civilization and Pirates, he can figure out how to avoid Nightwolf’s glowing ax. Oh! Wait! Guys, what if Sid Meier killed enemies by letting them play a fun game and they kept needing to take one more turn until their bodies rotted away. That’s not a bad idea. I’m writing that down.
Littlefoot From The Land Before Time
An apatosaurus in Mortal Kombat? Yes, please. Stomp on Jade. Stomp on the Collector. I don’t care. Have him give the Tree Star as a Friendship move.
Tony Hawk
Nobody would even touch him. Would you? He’d be invincible. Everyone would just tell him he looked like Tony Hawk and he’d gently chuckle a little and say, “I get that a lot.” He’s so cool. I wish my dad was more like him. I wishIwas more like him. Then he’d do a kickflip and Sindell would be like, “Whoa!” And she’d probably try to kiss him and he’d say no because kissing is gross.
8-Bit Princess Toadstool
Don’t give me Peach. I don’t want your well-groomed princesses with their human faces and human bodies. Give me this melting nightmare of a person that is Princess Toadstool. That’s what I want. She’s not in another castle. She’s spitting acid on your arm to digest it externally before eating it whole.
Florenz Ziegfeld, Jr.
I know what you’re all thinking: America’s original king of Broadway? The creator of the Ziegfeld girls? That’s right, the still-famous, still-well-known Florenz Ziegfeld, Jr. deserves a place in the Mortal Kombat universe. Why? Because it’s always so drab and depressing in those games. Does everything have to be moody? Do we need bones everywhere? No! We need pizzazz! We need to give them the old razzle dazzle! And this fighter can bring it. Ta-da!
Me
For the love of God, kill me as an example to the others.
